8 Ridiculous Deaths That The “Nightmare on Elm Street” Reboot Had Better Not Try

Freddy drowns someone

Everyone knows that with Michael Bay involved in the so-called “reboot” of “Nightmare on Elm Street,” there’s a high probability that some stupid decisions are going to be made—and it’s almost certain that some of those decisions will be about the deaths.

“What crazy things can we do this time around?” they’ll ask themselves as their prostitutes bring them espresso and cocaine. “How bloody should they be? How elaborate? Should they be funny?” But the worst question they’ll ask will be, “How can we update the deaths so that a modern audience will identify with them?”

We can’t stop Hollywood from making bad decisions any more than we can stop freckles from appearing on the Irish, but we can at least try to minimize the creative damage by listing some of the stupidest ideas now, well before the script is even written, in an attempt to prevent these deaths from making it into any film. In other words—and for only this reason and no other—these scenarios are copyrighted all to hell. Don’t touch them, Bay!

Various Freddy-Related Deaths

1. World of Deathcraft

The gamer teen, who will look and act like one of the guys from the Scream movies but should be Asian-American, will fall asleep while playing World of Warcraft. Freddy will start talking to him through one of the characters. Then, either the teen will be sucked into WoW and have to perform the rest of his story via his in-game character like the South Park kids, or the WoW characters will enter the real world and attack the teen. Freddy will be a dwarf with tiny swords on one hand and red and green armor. He’ll trap the teen in a grinding cycle and the teen will have to fight more and more things in an ever-faster loop, accumulating points and gold like mad but verging on near death constantly.

Finally Freddy will appear as some sort of giant uber-monster and defeat him. In real life, the kid will fall over dead, at least 35 pounds lighter than when he started playing and sapped of all liquid from his body.

2. Xbox Live (Then Dead)

Similar to the WoW scenario, where a teen will be on Xbox Live playing an obvious Halo rip-off, and a trash-talking opponent will start becoming personally abusive, then turn into Freddy. The Xbox 360 will burst into flames, but that will turn out to be from an overheated brick, not from anything supernatural. As the teen puts out the fire, Freddy will shoot him from behind a rock, then run up and dry hump his body.

3. Facebooked

The social butterfly teen will log onto her Facebook account and see that she’s been given hundreds of gifts, which are all more ominous than friendly. Many of them are body parts. Then there’s one that says “You’ve been given the finger by Freddy!” and it’s a severed hand flipping her off. Something tugs on the girl, and she looks down to see a real severed hand grabbing her ankle.

She screams and runs, but Freddy keeps invading her hiding spots with alerts and gifts and other Facebook intrusions.

4. MySpace Or MyPlace?

The young musician has a band page on MySpace. As he’s updating his page, he keeps getting friend invites from spammy sex ladies. Their messages get more and more personal, and because he’s horny, he eventually gets turned on and actually responds to one, even though he knows she’s probably fake or a trannie. (Or maybe he doesn’t–maybe he’s a stupid musician type.) She says she wants to meet him in person and that she’s at a nearby hotel.

He goes to the hotel and she answers, and he goes in and they make out. When he pulls way, she’s turned into Freddy, who says, “I never use protection.” Freddy kills the boy and then says something about how the kid should have known that only pervy old men use MySpace.

5. OMGWTF

The young chatty tween can’t stop text messaging. She starts getting messages in class from a secret admirer, who keeps sending her increasingly saucy txts. Suddenly they turn spooky when they begin to reveal ultra-personal info about the tween, like what color panties she’s wearing. The messages leave clues as to the sender’s whereabouts, which get the girl to go all Veronica Mars and try to find the perp.

As the girl continues to follow the clues that come in on her phone, while furiously texting information back to him, a message comes through that says something about “You really are attached to your phone, aren’t you?” That’s when the girl looks down and sees that her fingers are melded onto the phone, and that she’s turning into a living Sidekick. Freddy appears as a giant and picks her up and “flips” her open so that her internal organs are falling out. He removes her heart, which is shaped like a SIM card, and she dies. In the real world, her phone short circuits in her hand and electrocutes her.

6. The Gay Panic Offense

The mildly-homophobic jock panics and leaves a party early and by himself, after getting stoned and then being confronted with some uncomfortable accusations regarding his sexuality. He stops at a convenience store and holds a door open for some dude walking out. The dude gets offended and calls him a fairy.

Freaked out now, the jock goes inside and buys a Slim Jim and a magazine. The cashier snickers—the jock looks down and sees that he’s mistakenly brought a Playgirl magazine to the counter, and that the Slim Jim is actually named “Tube Steak.” The cashier says, “Not my business, guy,” when the jock tries to protest.

The jock runs outside, but there are all these half-naked men washing his car and rolling around on it. He runs down the street. Something is chasing him! He turns and sees Freddy on a gay pride float, thrusting and cavorting in red and green tank-shorts and a wife-beater, with maybe a tribal tattoo on one fire-burned arm. “Hey Mary,” he cackles at the jock, “Why don’t you come spend the weekend with me and the boys… on Fire Island!!” The jock runs blindly into traffic and is killed by a semi.

7. Oral Sex Isn’t “Real” Sex

The Mormon girl finishes giving her boyfriend a blowjob for, like, the eleventh time that week. This is how she keeps her chastity intact, at least on a purely technical level. Early in the film she brags about this solution and how awesome it is because “You can never get pregnant.”

She wakes up in the middle of the night with weird cramps all over, and when she looks in the mirror, she sees that her cheeks are swollen. Her mouth is pregnant! She tries to rinse with mouthwash but soon her mouth swells up from the baby growing like a giant walnut in her cheeks. Her head becomes so heavy that she collapses and can’t move.

Freddy shows up as a gynecologist-slash-dental hygienist. “Let’s take a look!” he says, approaching her with a combination ultrasound/drill. On a monitor, she sees that the baby has knives on its hands. “He looks like his father!” says Freddy. Her water breaks and she starts choking, then a Freddy-baby starts coming out of her mouth feet-first. Freddy says he’s going to perform a c-section to save the baby. He cuts her all up and she dies.

“Looks like it’s the orphanage for you!” he says to the baby, which he’s holding upside down. The baby has his face, and looks back at him and grins. The girl’s body is found in her bathroom, the mirror shattered and cuts all over her, with a toothbrush jammed into her mouth.

8. Paparazzified

The popular girl who wants to be famous is working at an Abercrombie & Fitch type store in the mall and hating it. She was out all night the night before, and now she’s dog-ass tired. She does some coke in the back room.

When she walks back out, an agent is in the store and “discovers” her. He tells her she is going to be the next catalog model for the A&F store, and asks her if she’s interested in doing television. She says yes and he immediately drags her out of the store and into a limo. (There are lights around the rims of the limo’s tires, and they’re red and green, which totally should have tipped her off.)

He gives her champagne and tells her how awesome she is, and that they’ve got a premier to get to. She’s confused but also loving it and being pulled in a dozen directions like Beyonce in her American Express commercial. The limo comes to a stop and people start hitting the windows and yelling–they are paparazzi, and they are determined to get a photo of her. Suddenly she finds herself alone in the limo. The windows break and the cameras are shoved in. Every time a (red or green) flash goes off, a cut appears on her body.

She forces herself into the front of the limo and drives off, but crashes into something. She opens the door and the paparazzi are chasing after her. They’re all wearing green and red sweaters. They surround her and take her picture to death.

Posted on February 2, 2008 by Chris Walters |
 
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Comments

  • Kain
    OMFG, that was so Freddy 4! Run to register this before those Hollywood whores steal your ideas!
  • I think my favorite is the "face pregnancy." That might actually be worth watching. Or not.
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